


Real Enough

by potionsmaster



Series: Death Wish [8]
Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Absolution, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Kaidan is Dead, M/M, Vancouver, Walks in the rain, and what is easy, are not always the same thing, sanity check, what is right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 10:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17262782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster
Summary: “Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”~ Norman Cousins





	Real Enough

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BardofHeartDive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardofHeartDive/gifts).



> I am challenging myself. I wanted to finish this series by the end of 2018. I have the ending written. I have the bits and pieces of the others. I just need to _do_ it. I apologize for the lack of posting. If you follow the other A/N in my other (sporadic) latest stories, you know I’ve been going through a rough time in real life. Divorce is...never easy, put it that way. And I realize that writing Blake has been a form of processing for me. Every time I stopped writing this series, it was when I dealt with something in tandem with Blake in the stories. Free therapy, lol. And I needed him to keep processing. (Don’t worry, I don’t have a death wish like he does). So...thank you, dear readers, for sticking with me so far and for allowing me to bleed on the page for you. Being able to share with you has helped, even if you didn’t know that’s what was happening at the time. Stay tuned. It’s going to be one helluva ride. But hopefully...the best.

**_Real Enough_** , by potionsmaster

 

Rating: T for alluded to subject matter

 

  


~~~~~~

  


Vancouver is dreary and rainy per the norm, though less raw and cold than the last time I was here.  I’m outdoors again, but this time of my own volition, simply watching the clouds scud across the sky, rain spattering against the ground around me as I lean on the guard rail along the water’s edge.  I want to pace but years of training to stand at attention hold me still. Unflappable on the surface, all about the illusion of control. I refuse to allow myself to follow the rabbit hole of thoughts concerning humans and control, or lack thereof, as I wait for him.  Nerves jangle in the pit of my stomach.

 

“Commander?”  

 

I turn with a small start anyway, seeing the hauntingly familiar figure in a black coat and scarf standing a few feet away from me, uncertain.

 

“Danya...hi. Thanks for...meeting me…”

 

What a lame greeting.  I’m mentally kicking myself as I stick my hand out and he takes it cautiously, giving it a few pumps before dropping it.

 

“Thank you for paying my way.  I have to admit, I never expected to see you again.”

 

“Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated,” I reply numbly, stuffing my hand back into my pocket, nodding down the walking path.  “Shall we?”

 

He snorts, though I can’t tell if it’s from amusement or otherwise.  I’m fairly certain the humor I intended fell flat. “You lead, I will follow, Commander.”  

 

That hits me like a kick in the gut, though I manage not to flinch.  Kaidan would say similar things while we were on mission and it’s still raw enough to make me clench my fists in my pockets so I don’t reach out to pull him to me.  He continues.

 

“I had meant even before that.  I expected our meeting at the bar would be the first and the last time we ever spoke.  I have to question why you requested to talk to me.”

 

“I…” Truly, I didn’t really know why I wanted to talk with him so much.  “I guess...I guess I wanted to see a friendly face. And...I don’t know.”

 

“Those seem to be in short supply for you lately, given the news reports,” he says skeptically, strong eyebrow raised.  “The rumors are troubling.”

 

“The rumors can go to hell for all I care,” I mutter, scowling.  “I did what I had to.”

 

“I am not questioning your actions, Commander.  Or your morals. Simply why it is me you wanted to see.”

 

“Blake…” I find myself correcting him.  “Just ‘Blake’. Please.”

 

“Alright.  Blake.”

 

The silence is strained but has the illusion of companionable as we walk in the rain, the water gray and choppy as the sky above.  

 

“I suppose it’s the fact that I would go to your brother for counsel and I need the closest thing to it I can get.  And you seem to have the same way of thinking. So…”

 

“So you thought you would just...fly me to meet you in Vancouver to _talk_?”

 

My turn to snort.  “So you thought you would just...fly out to meet me just because?”

 

He stops, astonished a moment, then laughs abruptly.  “You have me there. But curiosity...it gets the best of us all, I suppose.”  Our elbows brush accidentally as we start moving again, awkwardness fading away as my stomach churns.  “What did you wish to hear my thoughts on, Commander?”

 

“More of a ‘sanity check’, really.  I’m...I’m a wanted man for the Alliance, but I’m still a Council Spectre.  My actions over the past year were for the safety of the galaxy in its entirety, not just humanity’s interest.” Danya’s brow furrows as we walk, listening as he nods along. “And...I _could_ pull the Spectre card.  Stay out in the field. But…”  I fall into silence, chewing my bottom lip.  Esquimalt is drawing closer, Alliance HQ building on base drawing up majestically above the docks in the water.  It’s quite beautiful for a naval base. To me, it rivals asari architecture for form and function.

 

“...but what?” he interrupts quietly.

 

I shake my head to clear it.  “Uh, it doesn’t really sit well with me.  I’ve talked it over with a few others, and I think it’s the best action for me to take.”

 

“What?” he prompts again.

 

“...turning myself in.”  We stop in front of the street entrance to the base and face each other.   

 

“Ah...so what exactly are you looking for?  Absolution? From me?” His eyebrow lifts higher.  “From my brother?” I drop my gaze to the pavement, not answering him.  He sighs. “I understand why you would want your freedom. You can do more good out in the galaxy, fighting the good fight.  Kaidan believed in you. I do not think he was misguided in that. And I trust you to make the right choice, as he did. The news tells tales of you, but I can read between the lines and tell what is real enough, and that is good enough for me to believe in you as well.  You are flesh and blood, as I am.” He pats my shoulder. “I also understand wanting to atone. As to what is right…” he shrugs helplessly, dark eyes kind as he searches my face. “Kaidan would be the first of us to say rarely is it ever easy. And then he would quote Gandalf at you.  But you already know that, Blake.”

 

I can’t help myself.  I kiss him.  Press our mouths together, soft, chaste.  Asking for entrance.  I miss those lips too much, our breath mingling.  The taste of him on my tongue.  I cup my hands around his jaw, hair soft and dark between my fingers.  I ache at the foreign familiarity.

 

He doesn’t kiss me back.

 

Doesn’t spurn my advances, but doesn’t respond.  Passively accepts it.

 

It’s not Kaidan.  He’s not there.

 

My breath catches in my throat and I let him go.  Danya’s face is blank, lips pressed in a thin line.

 

“...I am not my brother, Commander.”

 

“No.  You’re not...I’m sorry.”

 

He doesn’t say anything for a long moment and twists his hands together, clearly uncomfortable.

 

“I wish you all the best.  Good luck in the coming days.  I fear these are dark days for all of us.  Прощай, командувач. [1]”

 

He leaves quickly as I stand frozen. The shadow of the building and my own decisions looms over me and leaves me colder than even death.

  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Glossary:_

 

[1] Proshchay, komanduvach - Farewell, Commander

  



End file.
